VENTING....Frustration with myself.

Hey J, Nail it down, lady! (That would be me guys)...Joan scolding Joan. Happens all the time. Yes, I talk to myself like a lunatic.

Staying on point while hungrily gobbling up information in this sea of seemingly endless information and seductive distraction is probably the most challenging thing I have ever done. I LOVE all the learning and the doing but it takes a bloomin' lot of time! I go to the computer in the early morning, sometimes as early as 4:00 AM. Break at about 6:00 for coffee, some reading, emails, WA and breakfast. After breakfast, I begin the day at 8:00 AM. Thinking a couple hours went by, it's 4:00 already. It's like a time vacuum. What happened to that walk I was meaning to take? Gotta soak in some vitamin D guys. And get up and move. Dance or something. My sister put me through floor exercises and I feel like I dislocated my right arm.

Life used to be so simple. Or so it seems right now. I've always been in business for myself, so weekends didn't apply to me, and oftentimes, not even holidays. They were the same as any other days. Much to my family's and friends' chagrin, my work schedule took precedence over everything.  Working long hours and freakish hours has been my life's pattern. I'm used to commitment and long hours.  Don't mind working at all... thrive on it. Here are my priorities: family and friends, work, which is painting and IM, then theatre and music. Actually, everything but family and friends is on the same plane. Lately, have been taking stock of my life, everything! Trying to establish priorities. Shamefully, family and friends have been benched somewhat, and I'm not spending enough time in my studio. Have been missing out on life. Imbalance is not good for anybody. Is discipline what you need?

Is this really discipline or compulsive behavior? I'm not sure. Many of us have a "jump in with both feet" nature, and I'm one of those types. You must be too if you are attracted to IM. Well, it's downright incurable when you're an artist. So, obvious conclusion: go with it. You don't have a choice anyway. It's the way the engine runs. Keep some tea and nibbles by your side and dig your heels in.

Back to the original point: IM is a strange new planet for this artist lady who has always been totally focused in one direction and pretty much in control of the evolution of her ideas and goals. Bringing an idea from the thought plane to physical reality is a process that involves only me and a few tools and supplies. Oh sure, manufacturers too when it's for an industry.  OK, clients are almost as bad/good as Google. At least on land, I get to talk to people with whom I do business. I talked to Google just once, which was unsatisfactory and I don't remember how I did it. Life was simple, comparatively speaking. I never said it was easy.

I'm now being faced with great expansion, overflowing intricacies and information bounty and a changeable feast of new tools, new techniques, algorithms, and mama mia girl Google. For crying out loud, I'm learning how to man a space ship! Very different from monkishly getting into the flow, getting inspired, then putting the paint on the paper. Or is it? Is it possibly the same thing, same house, different room? Both occupations are suitable for an introvert, even extroverted introverts. INDEPENDENCE is magnificent! Dat der carrot will keep you motivated.

I have some really good ideas waiting, bursting to blossom. My point of frustration is all the learning curves and the time it takes to accomplish each thing and I see it all as needing to happen simultaneously. Can't do this until you learn how to do that. Just venting guys. Having a temper tantrum over one foot in front of the other, and wishing I could accomplish all with lightning speed. I would gladly delegate the techy stuff, but I feel the need to know it well myself first, so that I can feel "real" and like I know what I am doing. I amaze myself sometimes when I discover the tech's not as difficult as I imagined.  Remember, when you know how to do things yourself, you are more independent. Independence is what we seek, is it not?  Remember invention happens by accident. The best stuff happens by accident. Sometimes your arrow hits a better target than the one you're consciously looking at, you know, the happy accident? So, unless you're working very closely with a tech, many of those happy accidents will be left on the table and you'll never know about them. Your tech may catch a few, but who wants to trust that?

Hey lady (that would be me guys), stay flexible and learn to adjust to the new!

Have to reconcile that it takes as long as it takes. Patience my friends.  Vent, scream, eat dinner twice and dessert first. Flowers unfold one petal at a time.  Actually, I'm not sure that's true.  My plate is very full right now, so will be burrowing under getting things done.

Hey, I'm feeling a little better all of a sudden. Must have slapped myself across the face. Imposing it on you was therapeutic. Hope it helped you in some measure.

At any rate, thank you for letting me vent. Have a great productive and prosperous day! Vent like crazy because it releases stress, and you've got lots of company within your ranks.