Recently, I had the unfortunate circumstance to be involved in an attempt to be manipulated through the ugliness of guilt.

I was disappointed in the outcome of a certain situation that an associate of mine was involved in. Upon noting my reaction, the person in question took my disappointment as a comment on their performance, and not as a result of the unfavourable situation in question.

My associate suggested that my disappointment was ‘making her feel guilty’. Heard this one before? I’d bet any money you have. Here are a few things to consider:

1) Emotional responses are almost always completely under the power of the person having them, regardless of what that person believes, right now. Understanding that, we can realize that no one ‘makes’ us feel anything: we choose our reactions to whatever circumstance we are in at any given moment. We must take responsibility for our own reactions, along with any subsequent actions we might take based on those reactions, etc. Blaming other people or external circumstances is just the ego’s way of avoiding the reality that there is something that needs to be addressed, and likely changed. Remember: the ego HATES change! (But, more on that later!)

2) By [Jane] declaring that [Bob’s] disappointment is ‘causing’ her to have a negative emotion, [Jane] is negating [Bob’s] right to feel disappointed in this circumstance. Not only is that incorrect (as per point #1), but it is also manipulative and arrogant, as if the ‘affected’ person [Jane] had the right to dictate how another [Bob, in this case] must react to the disappointing circumstance.

3) By declaring the guilty feeling and placing the blame on another, both individuals will find it difficult to get past the emotions raised in response to the situation, and both will be much less likely to deal with the circumstance in a logical manner, and thus find a reasonable solution. One might even go so far as to suggest that by getting emotional about a situation, and especially blaming our ‘state’ on others, we effectively avoid the responsibility of finding a solution. This is to say the emotion directed at another is a way of demanding that (s)he find the solution without our help. Unfortunately, our society places far too much concern on blame, and not enough attention to solving the problem.

The maturity of taking responsibility for ourselves goes far beyond our actions, but also in the way we deal with our innate emotions. No one is suggesting that we need to become like Mr. Spock (emotionless and infinitely serious,) but, in looking at the history and present-day dealings between humans on all levels, we cannot deny that emotions, replacing more appropriate logic as an answer to circumstances, have been the bane of successful and progressive resolutions to the majority of our interactive dealings.

We need emotions, most assuredly, but like anything, they have their place and time. One might argue that life without emotions may be empty and dry, but I submit that if most decision-making was made primarily with a logical mindset and not an emotional one, the result will be a life of much less stress and turmoil, and therefore more ‘fun’, not to mention more profitable, and much less dangerous.

So, when we find ourselves getting ‘hot under the collar’, we would do well to look at ourselves and our emotional reactions as if by an objective observer. If we can recognize and take responsibility that we’re only getting emotional because we’re allowing it, in that instance we can change our response to something that will be more effective in solving the problem and much less stressful for all parties involved.

Lightness, love, and strength.

Michael B.

“CashPro”

August 15, 2012