Awoke...once again to another day...

1.  I Don't See Myself as a Success

There's where it starts!  I have never been able to put my hand on my heart and declare that I am not only an Internet marketer...but a successful one.

2.  Completely Unstable

I have not been riding any waves.  I've been thrown around by the waves wherever they come and go.

3.  There are some very important aspects about social status that can't be ignored:

All developed countries have what is known as "social stratification."  I've consistently remained well below the poverty level.  According to the charts put out by our friends at the Wage and Labor Department, I'm not even showing up in the lowest strata at all.  This has literally been the case most of my working years.  For an entire decade I lived in abject isolation in the deep woods of Maine.  It did not help me learn social skills.

4.  For years I simply thought I did not have a personality.  Yes, I do...but it has not been in line with success.  How does one learn charisma?  Without it, even if I did have anything relevant to say, it goes unheard...because I've already spent years talking about everything under the sun that people don't want to hear about.  I have been known throughout all my life as being someone who talks about "boring" things.  I've also been known to talk above people's heads...and worse...talk about details that should not be uttered.  It seems I have not been able to discern the right words for any occasion.  Yes, I've said things during weddings and other sensitive occasions that made for my removal from the event.  Nobody can hack that for very long.  Will this be yet another post with "0 Comments" and I have made a name for myself here too?

Nothing has come closer to home than having come to a membership like this, falling on my face so many times and losing my home, and finding that I'm so far out of touch with being able to communicate effectively with people I come into contact with, that today, nobody reads anything I write anymore, except on rare occasions.

My status in life has not done much for earning respect.  I have been trying to do this stuff with pieces missing in my own social make-up.

In other words, I've been going around through life since I was five years old hated and ridiculed because I react to life funny sometimes and simply do not know how to react to even some of the simplest things.

Why all this the first day of September 2011...the year I firmly thought I would break the ice and be this grand Internet marketer?

This trip to Massachusetts (because I had lost my home temporarily in Florida) has had much to reveal about my past...

I have been consistently ignored throughout my entire childhood and passed off by my own family as a crack-pot and not worthy of attention.  Why do I know this?  Their behavior towards me has not changed.  There is literally nothing between my brothers and sisters that I can contribute.  When I try, nobody listens to me...except for my youngest brother who is also suffering many of the same issues I have been.

This is where it started.  It resulted in a lifetime of low self-esteem and lack of social support I received when I was young.  My father regarded me as an "accident" and I paid dearly for that.

Do I blame them?  Do I blame anyone?

Today...no.  I can't blame anyone but myself for how I reacted to life when I was young and is leaving me with trying to do marketing with one of the most important aspects of life missing...the ability to communicate with others...even though I can write well.

Why am I writing all this here?  I can't talk to my family about it (except for my young brother.)  The problem is so deep-seated (and trying to get to the bottom) that nobody is willing to help me with it.  I have no other place to express my deepest concerns about doing something about what is locking me out of the kind of success I'm trying to achieve.

Other reasons why this hasn't been working...

Instability

Inconsistency

Distractions

Doing things that are not the most productive

Assumption

Misreading people and circumstances

Jumping to conclusions, based on past experiences, and shooting off...

I had very strong reasons why I joined this membership.  I knew much less about myself when I first joined than I do now.  I'm at the point where I am more aware of why people avoid me, but I had to learn with blind eyes.  It is becoming far more apparent that personality can and does determine where a person goes in life...taking the lead, moving forth with tenacity...

or being wishy-washy.

Help!