The Doughnuts and the Ants 

This morning I got up and went to have some doughnuts that I had bought yesterday.  I had not had doughnuts for long time, I thought I'd have some.  I opened the bag last night and ate a couple.  I'd have coffee and doughnuts this morning before going off to clean an auditorium.

Bleary-eyed I reached into the bag to have my first doughnut this morning only to feel something crawling on my arm.  Yes, them dratted ants again!  I threw the bag of doughnuts out the door!  They were covered with ants.  I've been fighting these things for about ten weeks now.  I cannot just go on out and get an exterminator like normal people do.

One would think, that by now, I'd learn that if I leave anything like doughnuts on my table or counter, the ants will get into it...but repeatedly I have not learned this lesson and given the ants yet more reason to stay around. 

I went to check on the Forum to see if anyone answered my call for help in something I'm trying to work on. I got six views and no replies.  Half of the views were my own.  It adds to my despair this morning...I deleted the post...another time-suck, no doubt...for writing it...and for the space it was taking up on the queue of the home page.  Angry about the ants ruining the doughnuts (which were quite expensive for me to have ants get into them) I went through this morning and wiped out some things that have caused others' waste of time.  I unsubscribed from lists...not that they were time wasters for me...but the other way around.

One thing had to go because it stood as a monument of sheer foolishness and stupidity.  I'm hard on myself because there simply is no excuse for why I suffer as I do.   Why are there so many thousands of souls out there with incredibly high potential, like myself, scrubbing toilets???  There simply is NO excuse!  I know this is the same song and dance from me, I have no other way to vent this.

The Educated Idiot. 

I watch my landlord.  He acts pretty dumb sometimes, like he has not a clue about certain things.  The man was a school teacher at one time.  Today he is quite eccentric in his old age.  He rambles on about why the website is not even getting any visitors.  Great point.  By now, being here, I should have visitors pouring into that site!

Then I have to listen to him as he reads out of a dated e-book on how to generate visitors.  I asked him how old that book was.  He said, "This year."  It turns out it was last year...before the Google Panda Effect we are all so familiar with.  I'm in no position to quell his reading...

"Tell me why we don't have any visitors?????  You have two ears but only one mouth!" 

This morning an article I read comes to mind.  I'm not looking at my landlord now...I'm looking at myself.  20 years ago I was working in a ship yard, welding  equipment foundations to the hull.  I can tell you about so many things, but can't figure my way out of the same persistent problems I've been dealing with for years and years!  The article comes across quite frightening to me...

Today I'm cleaning toilets and trying to find whatever piddly job I can find.  I was stuffing envelopes five days last week...up to Tuesday when they suddenly said, "Well, that's it.  You're not needed anymore and we're caught up. Thanks for your good work."  That will barely pay my rent, so that I'm thankful for.

My writing is full of what I'm experiencing...but it drives the world away from me.  Lately I find myself lashing out in my frustration.  I pray to be delivered from this life what ever way suits.  I'm fast becoming an ash tray holder! 

The Discovery Channel...or South Park:  How Are You Using Your Tools? 

What I found in the article doesn't speak very well of me.  I've been on the Internet for some time now...and unlike a few who know how to play the cards, I've been dumbed down by it.  No, it's not the Internet...that's simply a tool...just like television is, so there I must disagree with the article.

No, I don't visit the South Parks of the Internet, so to speak...but somehow, I'm trying to make myself out to be someone I'm not...trying to show a personage I'm not...and it shows like a sore thumb.  I can't eve fake it.  Some people have the ability to act as chameleons.  People are not stupid, and can see what's phony and what isn't...yet they can be had.  Just ask our friends who do the commercial advertising who have it down to a science.

I can't get over that I am past my prime now.  I missed the boat...and so, here I am...cleaning restrooms, pulling weeds and being controlled by two-figure amounts of money I consistently come short on...causing undue disruptions in my life and putting me back two steps for every step I go forward.  I have to act like a dog whose master has the treat in his hand.  I have to wag my tail and act like I'm real enthusiastic about the "goodie."  Who likes stuffing envelopes???  For me, it's the glory job over cleansing toilets and having to beg for yardwork to do.  Ten years from now where will I be?  My dreams are becoming more like pipe dreams.

Reality...Real or Perceived? 

I've done all I can to keep my online presence.  I've managed to keep my domains and hosting going for another year.  Staying here at WA is another story.  We're supposed to be entrepreneurs are we not?  Not being in control of some of the most basic things in life is not an entrepreneur.  This is where I believe I'm trying to be someone I'm not...or think myself to be or not to be.  We're not supposed to think about the lack.  Problem is, it reminds me real quick that it's there, alive and well...and relentless.  How many things I don't have today I used to take for granted?  The basics of life?  My integrity?  My sanity?  Life itself?  Do I even belong here?  Sometimes I actually think, "Why was I brought?"  Whose accident was this?

But then, the answer is there...God has...and it wasn't an accident. I have no right to question this.

There's No Sitting On the Fence of Life! 

This you, who are reading, must ask of yourself.  If this issue is avoided, you stand the chances of having the undesirable creep up on you...and the next thing you know...you're dumb.  One thing is for sure...we don't stay on an even keel as I wrote in a PM this morning.  I have a Journal and have kept it for many years.  It says a lot about me and where I've been.  Where it wind up when I die is not up to me.  Most likely it will wind up in the rubbish...a lifetime's work.  It all depends on the ending of my story.  So far, having read parts of it, shows clearly that I've not gotten any smarter.

The direction you go...whether smarter or dumber is much the same as getting richer...or poorer.  It is a conscious effort and must be continuously staid upon...or it can run rampart...unfortunately in the wrong direction.  It can be readily seen in our universities with new students coming in.  They all have that gleam in their eyes.  They chant "Ra! Ra!"  They hold their heads high.  Albeit what happens most of the time?  40 years down the road, the gleam is gone.  The cheering and enthusiasm has divorced from them.  96% of those who once had that gleam have gone by the wayside along the road of life.  They are tired, poor and enslaved.

No amount of positive energy has kept them from the wayside.  Positive thinking is, without a doubt a critical aspect of success.  I do not know of a single negative person who has made the grade, so that is on my mind and I have the resources recommended in the earlier post just below.  Life's needs are in the way again and is keeping me from focusing on them.  Someone said below, negative thoughts are just thoughts that must be dismissed.  However, reality comes right behind and bites me in the ass.  I'm getting tired.

Look to the 4% that remain.  Even at my age, I must do the same.  Many of you are younger than I am.  Do it now! 

Life does not remain the same.  It goes one way or the other.

Where are YOU heading? 

Why the doughnuts and the ants?  It is just another persistent problem that got in the way of life...and just keeps recurring over and over.  So I truthfully wonder when all this will ever end and I can stand up and be counted for someone who is reputable and respected and not someone known for wallowing in the mire.